


Uncertain

by SamanthaM_M



Category: Bleach
Genre: Doubt, Inner Dialogue, M/M, One Shot, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 12:04:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2692298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamanthaM_M/pseuds/SamanthaM_M
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Renji still has doubts about his relationship with Ichigo</p>
            </blockquote>





	Uncertain

**Author's Note:**

> Written while listening to Ultraviolence by Lana del Rey

He knew he shouldn´t be doing this. Not because it felt wrong, it felt really good, but... because of that feeling of uncertainty. He didn´t know if he was allowed to, if whatever he was doing wasn´t against the law. He didn´t know if he could kiss his neck the way he did, if he could leave hickeys on that perfect skin that was never touched by anybody. Or at least not in a way he touched it, violated it, and marked it with possessive kisses. He wasn´t sure if these emotions he felt blooming deep inside of him would be accepted in Soul Society. That´s why he never told anybody about this. Nobody knew about what was happening in the middle of the night in the darkness of his room behind closed door. Nobody was supposed to hear muffled sounds of bodies moving aggressively against each other, like they were never going to contact again, while they both knew very well they were going to do that again the night after that and all the other nights later.

So, here he was, his body all relaxed and sated, his mind tensed and he was rewinding everything that happened just moments before, every movement, every touch, every bite and every moan. His senses were still overpowered, because there was too much to feel, too much to taste, too much to see, too much to hear and too much to smell. He could easily lose track in those memories, still feeling inexperienced hands pressed to his hips, while he was thrusting up into that tight, virginal body. He hated himself for doing it, but he loved the person he was doing it to. He loved the pleasure his acting was causing him and at the same time he feared hurting him. No words were spoken. He didn´t have the courage to ask and the other one didn´t want to make himself look weak. So they made love in silence filled only with the sound of their breathing and rustling of sheets as their limbs rubbed against each other, tangled together. His fingers entwined in soft, short hair, because they had nothing more to explore about the other body. He knew every curve and dip better, than he knew himself. He knew the exact way his body arched when he reached his climax; he knew the exact way his body reacted to certain teases, the exact way he responded to his attention. He knew the mouth that kissed so eagerly, the hands that traced lines down his tattooed chest, the lips that pressed against his hot, flushed skin... _“C ould this be lov_ _e?”_ he thought.  


Nobody ever explained love to him. He didn´t experience true love through loving family, because he had none. And later there wasn´t anybody close enough to him to explain these great secrets. There was nobody he could ask if it was natural that he had feelings for other men instead of girls. For many years, he ignored his own confusion when his body reacted to impulses he knew people around him wouldn´t find appropriate. He fought with it, but all the walls he had built up during many years crumbled down when he saw him for the first time. Suddenly, he was sure. He knew he wanted to be with him for the rest of his life, he wanted them to be more than just two naked bodies sharing a bed night after night; he wanted more than just sharing wordless pleasure with him. He knew everything for sure, yet he was so uncertain.

Renji closed his tired eyes, exhausted from watching Ichigo sleeping next to him. He pressed closer to him, saving his never-ending doubts for later.


End file.
